Our passion

This is my refuge.
This is where my heart lies.
This is where I feel happiest.
This is my passion, the reason for living (other than eating, that is).


Tadika & Taska Kembangsari
More commonly known as Honey Bee
Mum's sweat and blood

Sniff, sniff...
I wanna go home!

Do Some Charity!

Yes, I'm talking to you. Who are you looking at? Charity can be done in many ways and Oxfam has a really cool (and cheap) way for you and me. Have you heard of the White Band? No? Shame on you. Hahaha.. ok ok.. neither have I until Oxfam set up shop in Mac Cen. You know how we get yellow LIVESTRONG bands? Yup, they have white MAKEPOVERTYHISTORY bands and they're only for $2! Imagine! I sometimes wonder how much help we are really giving by contributing just that small amount. Hmm....

And, this thought came to me while I was reading my notes in the kitchen with Shaun cooking in front of me: are those bands biodegradable? Are they harmful to the environment? They'd better not be! Shaun said that they could be recycleable. But hey, even recycling uses energy and produces greenhouse gases right? So, what's the point?

Sigh, I guess you can't have the best of everything, eh? Even if you don't want to buy it for the sake of helping, buy it because it looks cool. Ok?

Changes

A change is occuring. Not only in the weather but also in life. Yes, it is the time of life when big, adult decisions need to be made. Now I really wonder why when we were younger we were so eager to grow up. Seriously, now I actually want to turn back time. I seriously do miss high school, when personal problems were the end of the world, when nothing else matters other than turning up for volleyball practice.

Like how blue skies of white clouds can become a plane of grey pouring down with rain, decisions made long again can be questioned now. I feel that I'm a little 'slow' in that sense. Or am I too 'fast'?

I've always wanted to teach. I know, almost all little girls would reply 'Guru', 'Penyanyi', 'Pelakon' or 'Doktor' when asked by the class teacher in primary school. I almost always said 'Guru' as I believed (somehow) that I was meant to teach. Not only teach, but to help others in life. And guess what? Mum started her childcare centre when I was 10 and being an early childhood educator has been my aim ever since.

I've never thought of leaving home. It wasn't until after CPU that I was persuaded to continue my tertiary education in Sydney. Yes, I understood the logic behind coming here. I mean, ECE was practically non-existent in KL! Even here in Australia, it's one of the more lower-paid and lowly-regarded professions around! Funny how this is the case when in fact, it is the most noble profession there is. So I left home with a heavy heart but 4 years on, I'm thankful to my parents for allowing me the space to actually choose what I wanted to study. And yes, coming here has opened up my mind slightly. Not sure if it has done my temper any good, though.

Upon completion of my degree, the plan was to return home to help mum. Even if I don't, I wanted to start a children's library and art gallery in Sri Kembangan. A far-fetched dream? Hell yeah! But it doesn't mean that it will not come true. I've always been different to everyone else. So why should it matter this time? I won't earn much but it's satisfaction guaranteed (for me at least).

However, that might have to wait. The falling autumn leaves are reminding me that life only happens once. Like how they spring up in lustrous green and wilt in golden splendour, life does not wait to happen - it just happens. And if we don't make full use of it, we will miss the chance to live. But what is life to most of us?

I've realised that coming to Sydney does not open my mind up to new horizons. I've only seen yet another one - that of Australia. Worse, that of only Sydney and Melbourne. That's not much of the world, is it? Hence, I've decided to move on. Yes, I miss home dearly but home can wait until I am prepared to face reality again, to face commitment and responsibility again. I am still young and I feel that it is now that I should explore new faces, new beliefs, new 'lives'. Exploring the new would help me grow even more.

I need to feel challenged. I don't care if the next route I take in life requires me to sing in public, memorise 100 Chinese characters in an hour, speak in Korean, traverse snow fields or act in a movie.

I don't feel like I'm growing anymore. I need a change.

Missing you

Yesterday, I was at Bondi with friends. While some of them went surfing (and they had great waves yesterday), I stayed on the beach. Had a stroll and when the rest of the gang came back from the beer session, I joined the guys in frisbie.

We ended the day with great food, naturally. We had steak at Hog's Breath. Sumptious, just sumptious. Went home contented and surprisingly, still slightly bogged down with the thought of my assignment.

Decided to sleep in the hall with Shaun and Alfred, just for fun. I woke up this morning with my body aching as the mattress was super soft in comparison to mine. I prefer hard mattresses, as I think they are better for your back, and they are definitely more comfy.

But I was happy. Why? I had a dream. A dream of a person very dear to me. He was someone I got to know back in Form 2, back when we were 14. Actually, we weren't exactly 14 as my birthday is on Nov 19, his on Oct 10. I still remember the day his dad brought him to school for his first day. He was standing outside class, peering in every now and then. In my head, I was thinking, "Hey, is he joining our class? Hm, not bad wor. He's quite cute. A bit small though".

That was then. High school was lightyears ago. We developed a friendship, which to me, that was special. We'd have lunch together. I'd get Mum or Dad to send him home. We'd have arguments over the smallest issues. We'd laugh till we had stomach cramps.

I still remember the fight we had over some silly thing in volleyball. He came out to the bus stop to yell at me. I ended up crying and not talking to him for the next few weeks. Don't know how I managed to not talk to him for so long but I was glad that I didn't. Haha... at least I preserved some amount of dignity for myself.

We used to talk over the phone for hours although we'd just seen each other in school. To say that I did not feel attracted to him would be a lie. But I wasn't his type. Definitely not. And so what did I do? I helped spur him on in going after this chun chick who was 4 years our junior. She was a Malaysian-Chinese/French girl. Part-time model. Very sweet-looking girl with blue eyes, blondish hair but a Chinese name.

Did it hurt? Hell yeah. But I did it anyway. I figured that it would be selfish of me to hold on to him. I mean, we wouldn't have worked out anyway. Too unlikely, seriously.

I felt happy for him. I've always felt happy for him in everything he does. He's one person I find really hard not to be happy with, actually. That's so weird!

Even in the dream, he made me happy. Not indirectly like in real life, but directly. It was at his place. In real life, he lives in a condominium but in this dream, it was rather hard to tell. It was his birthday (or was it Ee-Lane's?) Oh well, it was a party celebrating something la. And I was there. I was invited to attend with the rest of our schoolmates. Ok, fast forward. Suddenly, my friends pulled me into the crowd. They were surrounding something or someone. I then saw him in the middle with a big bouquet of flowers. He called my name. I blushed.

Oh no! Did he just say my name? Ok, turn around and run away now. ARGH! So paiseh! Why would he give me a bouquet of flowers?? Why?

And Jeunn, you didn't help! You actually held me back! I so wanted to dash out and just fan myself before I passed out. I turned around to face him again. He walked right up to me. Looked straight into my eyes. I had to look away. I could feel my cheeks were warm. So were my ears. When he arrived right in front of me, he held my hands. Very gently, he put the flowers in my hands and he hugged me. I struggled to hold back my tears. He whispered in my ear like he did so many years ago: Happy birthday, Shij.

But we've moved on with our own lives now. I'm here in Sydney. He's back in KL. He hardly replies my SMSes. He doesn't even answer my calls. I seriously wonder if he's really THAT busy with work.

Am I angry? No. I should be, though. Am I upset? A little. And why? I think it's because somewhere deep inside, I know he still cares and thinks of me, too. He may not think of me everyday but that's not what matters.

What matters are the footprints that he has left in my journey of life.