Changes

A change is occuring. Not only in the weather but also in life. Yes, it is the time of life when big, adult decisions need to be made. Now I really wonder why when we were younger we were so eager to grow up. Seriously, now I actually want to turn back time. I seriously do miss high school, when personal problems were the end of the world, when nothing else matters other than turning up for volleyball practice.

Like how blue skies of white clouds can become a plane of grey pouring down with rain, decisions made long again can be questioned now. I feel that I'm a little 'slow' in that sense. Or am I too 'fast'?

I've always wanted to teach. I know, almost all little girls would reply 'Guru', 'Penyanyi', 'Pelakon' or 'Doktor' when asked by the class teacher in primary school. I almost always said 'Guru' as I believed (somehow) that I was meant to teach. Not only teach, but to help others in life. And guess what? Mum started her childcare centre when I was 10 and being an early childhood educator has been my aim ever since.

I've never thought of leaving home. It wasn't until after CPU that I was persuaded to continue my tertiary education in Sydney. Yes, I understood the logic behind coming here. I mean, ECE was practically non-existent in KL! Even here in Australia, it's one of the more lower-paid and lowly-regarded professions around! Funny how this is the case when in fact, it is the most noble profession there is. So I left home with a heavy heart but 4 years on, I'm thankful to my parents for allowing me the space to actually choose what I wanted to study. And yes, coming here has opened up my mind slightly. Not sure if it has done my temper any good, though.

Upon completion of my degree, the plan was to return home to help mum. Even if I don't, I wanted to start a children's library and art gallery in Sri Kembangan. A far-fetched dream? Hell yeah! But it doesn't mean that it will not come true. I've always been different to everyone else. So why should it matter this time? I won't earn much but it's satisfaction guaranteed (for me at least).

However, that might have to wait. The falling autumn leaves are reminding me that life only happens once. Like how they spring up in lustrous green and wilt in golden splendour, life does not wait to happen - it just happens. And if we don't make full use of it, we will miss the chance to live. But what is life to most of us?

I've realised that coming to Sydney does not open my mind up to new horizons. I've only seen yet another one - that of Australia. Worse, that of only Sydney and Melbourne. That's not much of the world, is it? Hence, I've decided to move on. Yes, I miss home dearly but home can wait until I am prepared to face reality again, to face commitment and responsibility again. I am still young and I feel that it is now that I should explore new faces, new beliefs, new 'lives'. Exploring the new would help me grow even more.

I need to feel challenged. I don't care if the next route I take in life requires me to sing in public, memorise 100 Chinese characters in an hour, speak in Korean, traverse snow fields or act in a movie.

I don't feel like I'm growing anymore. I need a change.