Not belonging

It became clearer today. I could decipher my feelings better today. Or perhaps, I was more prepared to face the matter(s) today.

From past experience, I have come to understand that people who may matter to you in the past, may not mean one dime to you in the present. The same works for the other way around - the significant figures in your current world could have been mere passers-by previously. What I have not come to fully understand is the reason behind it.

Some of you may think that it is due to one reason and yet to some of you, it may be due to several reasons. I do not know if there is 'the' reason or if there is a whole range of explanations for birds wanting to flock together or not.

One thought that did cross my mind was that people change. We change. Everyone is different all the time, which essentially means that none of us are the same 'us' the next minute. We incorporate the world around us - what we see, hear, taste, feel - thus constantly editing our thought process as we progress along with time.

What seemed trivial before, may be important now. What I used to like, I may detest now. People I used to enjoy being with, I may feel uneasy with now. Why?

I would love to say 'I dunno' but that would be rather irresponsible. It is as if taking the easy way out of the maze by pruning off part of the hedge. Well, I guess that takes away much painful effort if compared to beating around the bush with the same problem(s). Beating around the bush is definitely more tiring especially for someone with low stamina, both physically and emotionally, like myself. Hm, I may just well opt for the hedge pruning choice, as irresponsible as it may seem.

Not my style, I hear you say?

Haha, well then my friend, I guess you do not know me the way you ought to. Let me remind you that like you, I am human after all, imperfectly human.

When you feel like things - people, topics of conversation, tone of voice, body gestures and expressions - are different, you tend to clam up. I do not know, maybe not everyone, but I have that tendency. I may come up with some silly topic to 'talk about' to test the waters, to confirm if things are really different, which would then lead to me clamming up.

Less talkative. Less animated. Less myself.

For the simple reason of not feeling like I belong.

Pondering the thought now, am I that much different? Or am I just portraying myself to be different? Did I choose to not want to belong?

Not belonging to the place, not belonging to the group, not belonging to certain people.

Insecurity seeps in. Self confidence gets shaken. And the hard-built self-esteem gets knocked down yet again.

Losing a sense of identity is always hard to deal with, especially when pillar of supports that are genuine are harder to keep as we grow older. And so, yet again, I find myself floating through rough waters at half mast, not knowing what lies beneath the choppy sea and if blue skies lie ahead.

Floating across life, trying to cross boundaries, in the effort of seeking solace in comfortable humility. Is that, or that not too much to ask of oneself? Sigh, I wonder if I will lose myself totally if I continue feeling like this...