Friday, July 31, 2009

Are you ready?

Are you?
Are you sure?
How sure?
How do you know that you are sure?
What tells you that you are sure?

How sure are you that you will not change your mind?
Okay, what do you think will be the thing or things that will make you change your mind?

Are you not tired just thinking of whether you are ready or not?
Are you not tired weighing the pros and cons?

Why are you bothering with weighing them anyways?
Do you think it matters?
Why would they matter?
What difference does it make after you have made your decision?
Does it matter if the decision you make is 'right' or 'wrong'?
How do you know if your decision is 'right' or 'wrong'?

Well, you won't until you give it a try.
Nothing matters until you try.
Until you try your best.
Until you see for yourself both the pros and cons.

So, tell me, are you ready to face it all?

Monday, July 27, 2009

What's it all for?

As I watch the upload wheel spin on my screen, I recall the conversation I had with a friend on Saturday night. We spoke for some time over the mobile phone while he waited for his ride back up north at the bus terminal. I, on the other hand, had time to kill while waiting for my ride to Dreamland.

The wheel is still spinning. I think Hotmail must be experiencing some problems at the moment. I also wonder if my friend is still up north. He would either be undergoing some training of some sort or sitting in on a meeting right now. Oh, no, perhaps he is having lunch.

With what seems like so much to do with so little time to do them (especially now when I have what seems like a million things), watching the spinning upload wheel spurs me to ask if all this will come to something. Like my friend, the nature of his job requires him to travel four states to provide his services. He may be in Ampang this morning, Raub in the afternoon and Klang in the evening. After work, he is in the office till past midnight to do stuff.

He asked me, "Why am I rushing from one place to another all the time?" I was tempted to give him a literal reply - because your time management is not up to par, maybe? But no, I refrained.

"I rush here, rush there. All this rushing for what? It's not like I'd get paid much more if I get more work done - my salary has been what it is for a long time. If I don't continue with this job, would other people hire me? Sigh, all this for who? For the big boss. So, really, what has all this got for me?"

I asked myself the same question - what's it all for? Reflecting on my own life, I started to ponder if the rat race that we are all in is basically something to distract us from realising our true selves. We work, and work, and work some more. We 'aim' to provide our families and ourselves better, more comfortable lives. But how do we reach our 'aim'? By blindly joining in the monotonous hum-drum of life? By being birds of a feather?

The same came to mind when Dad asked me what I wanted. I kept mum and eventually asked him if it was fine if I didn't know what I wanted. Not knowing what I want made life seem simpler. Why?

To me, it boils down to the same question - would there be a difference? At the end of the day, it does not really matter if you do know what you want, and if you do not. You still have to make ends meet, you still have to carry on living, no?

The difference lies in the definition you attach to what is done. So, say, let me ask you something. What's it all for?

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Much catching up to do

You must be thinking what is it that I have to catch up with. Hm, let's see. Heaps!

I have been missing in action for some time now. You would know if you have been following my blog and Facebook. Since returning from China, I have been trying to catch up with my Kindermusik work. I succeeded in the first two weeks. Third week onwards, sigh...

Then, there is work in the Centre. Why is work in the Centre never-ending? Gosh, I sometimes wish that we could close the Centre down for an entire week so that we could get things in order! And to make matters worse, we have our Open Day coming up net weekend. You cannot imagine the mayhem that is going to take place tomorrow onwards - the rush for the paint, the rollers, the brushes, the staplers, the hole-punchers, paper, markers, files, folders, ink, computers, printers, binding tapes, double-sided tapes, masking tapes, colour paper, crepe paper, cardboard, empty boxes, newspaper etc. Aiya, in short, the Centre will be like a war zone. Taska and Tadika staff, be prepared!

That aside, I also have to catch up with my reading. I have not been keeping up my reading of early childhood issues. If not for my decision to continue studying next year, I think it would be a long time before I would pick up a book related to early childhood. Sad. Gack, not just the reading, the writing as well! I have not written anything academic in two years! How am I going to churn out a research proposal? I so need to buck up. Sigh, you know la, procrastinating is second nature to me.

But what about all the previous blog posts? You mean you have time to play but no time to do all of the above? Haha, friend, if you have known me for a long time, I do not need to explain myself (unless you are my Mum, to whom I have to explain everything). If you have gotten to know me recently, you will get used to my style.

So, for the next week or two, please refrain from asking me out to dinner or for yumcha. I will also try my best to refrain myself from accepting your invitations. If you want to bring me out for dinner or just to spend time with me, you might like to consider sacrificing some of your time helping me out with stuff at my school. You would get into my parents' good books that way, too... haha...